sigh sigh sigh

june hols are coming to an end in like 3 days! NOOOOOO
its so weird, this is why i dont like holidays -.-
the ending of holidays are so sad.
and to make things worse, mid years are coming...
AND my body clock is totally screwed.
i cant sleep at night and i sleep throughout the day -.-
like seriously! i sleep at like 6am and wake up at 6pm!! :O

and i'm wayyy behind my study schedule.
STRESS STRESS STRESS!!!!

and now im blogging.
the mre stuff i need to do, the more i procrastinate.
why why why why why...

haisssssssssssssssss
nowadays i'm always questioning myself what i'm gonna do in the future.
like i'm quite sure now that i'm gonna do business
like online stuff
so most probably im gonna study business in uni
but idk lei, like i dont need a business course to do business right??
so i just wanna do something that makes me happy. something that i enjoy doing..
and thats the problem, idk what the eff makes me happy.
:(

well, lets just keep moving on first
hmmm, i'll just do my best for now.
although i'm not totally prepared for myct i'll just take things in my stride
is that even correct? yup, i checked lol
hahahaha, kk, i think life is really short, like look, one month flew right past.
i wanna enjoy college life, it is the last time ill be wearing a uniform anyway.
but at the same time, yea, i gotta study hard as well la.
hmm, i wanna smile and not regret anything anymore :)
well, i'm supposed ti finish 4 math papers now, hahahahaha, none done yet.
yeahhhhh, chill chill :)
i know im gonna get through this, i may not et 90 rank points but leggo!!
i'm not the smartest person around, but i know i'll get somewhere, somehow :)
its all the the mind!!! :)

byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
-SARA

HEYx

march holidays are officially over and yet another hurdle is here... 

block tests 2.

sian max.

anyways, i've been feeling rather tired these few days and i guess its cause of my unhealthy habits.

i eat all day, sleep all day, no exercise. i feel listless throughout the school day and tired out at night..

how to listen in class? how to study like that?

so i shall go running this sunday with my lil sis :) hehe.

hopefully i keep to that la.

*crosses fingers*

anyway, i've been thinking of my studies and life lately.

lol. didn't come to much conclusion about what to do with my life so far.

maybe run a business, or worst come to worst be a teacher? LOL.

idk la. shall dwell on that after As.

now shall focus on the present.

so i've been really keeping up with tutorials and listening well during lecture YAY ME ^^

but why do i still fail tests? well, its because of my bad memory.

seriously, my memory is very bad.

like i do remember gist of stuffs but not like stuff in detail.

so i guess i'll have to resort to tutoring myself.

i only mainly have math tuition and tuition really pushes me to do stuff.

like my tutor assigns me questions to do within 1 week.

so that is what i shall do is assign myself questions and do t within the week.

yay me! why the heck didnt i think of this earlier?? well, it STILL isn't too late now.

so i shall start frommmmmmmmm next week since this week is block test week. hehe.

leggo!! ok, shall slack a bit in prep for GP and math tomorrow.

byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

^^ SARA

haissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssx

hey. sorry i can't think of a better heading but yeah, thats how i'm feeling right now at 12.03am. 

it's the march "holidays" how and when school reopens, there will be block tests.

so far i've been spending monday and tuesday lazying around and doing minimal work.

all i wanna do now is just get away from books and stuffs.

that IS what one is supposed to do during holidays right?

well, not in singapore at least.

here, one is supposed to study study and study. 

i'm tired of it :(

what i really wanna do is to catch up with my friends and family.

isn't that what's most important in life?

what will studying bring you?

ya, good grades, blah blah blah

but compromising family over grades is just... idk

yea, i know it's all about balancing one's time between studies and recreational activities but seriously?

that is the ideal i'm trying to achieve but time is not on my side.

and well, blame it on me too.

i'm just really lazy and unmotivated.

idk what to do with my life.

i look at people around me, relatives and strangers.

some didn't study and end u miserable in life trying to make ends meet.

some didn't study yet make millions just by sitting in front of their computers.

some studied and got to high paying jobs and live unhappy lives

some studied and didn't get a job at all.

haiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssssssssssss.

so what now?

i still think finding the balance is the right thing huh?

let's seeeeeeeeeee what's left of the holidays...

MON: xx

TUES: xx

WED: stay at home day

THURS: going out with family in the morning, dinner date with friends

FRI: going out with trombone peeps (tentative)

SAT: nothing planned yet

SUN: nothing planned yet

so basically i have 3 days to study for chemistry, physics, math and lit -.-

HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW???

i'm really stressed out now.

i know it's just block tests and i should y'know give myself a lil bit of space to breathe.

hiasssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

i see people having fun around me, or maybe they are just outwardly having fun but are actually closet muggers. idk and seriously i don't really care.

idk what to do in life y'know.

i know i'm supposed to study hard to get that place in university and all but i just...

i still haven't found my purpose in life yet y'know.

i just wanna do things that make me happy and i know you can't always get what you want in life

but i feel that youth is wasted sometimes.

i know some people out there are dying, fighting for education while i may be here shunning it but no.

i want to be educated to be somebody, but sometimes education is screwed up y'know

they're making us studying things that are mostly irrelevant some may be but we don't know it.

sometimes i feel like my youth is wasted sitting in school while teachers try to cramp things into our heads for like from 7.45am till 5+pm thats like 9 hours man. 9 hours for 5 days in 1 week.

and now that there's holidays, they expect us to study some more! 

i'll be 18 when i leave this hell hole. 

what i'm gonna do after that idk...

maybe i'll not go to university yet and just, yknow travel the world and enjoy the next 7 years of my 'youth' but where's the $$ gonna come from?

or i could just spend the remaining time of my "youth" studying and finding a steady job or something.

hais, idk. 

well, the future is the future but now.....

i'll just have to study don't i?

what choice do i have?

i just wanna get outta here and find my peace of mind somewhere else.

on the bright side, i'll just have to slog my guts out for just another 8-9 months.

(well, that doesn't sound very "bright" and positive doesn't it)

i know i'll get though this, i always do, somehow.

but the process of getting through this sucks like shit.

ok it's 12.40 now.

i shall go lie down and listen to songs while i try to iron out my thoughts and eventually get some sleep.

wish me luck guys and i hope your life is happy always :)

(who am i even talking to) 

-SARA ^_*

hey guys.

imma JC2 kid

yeap, the days where i fret over retaining or staying is over.
met the principal and he said he won't retain me.
was given a 45 min lecture saying that i should work hard blah blah blah.
but it's true la.

now, so far i'm progressing kinda well and i really can't wait for this year to end.
lets do a breakdown of my progress:
-H2 math: so far so good. completing tutorials on time :)
-H2 physics: so far so good. tutorials done on time too ;) but slacking on JC1 revivion! :(
-H2 chem: JC2 stuffs are mostly on organic chem so still trying to grasp concepts. going at my own pace for chem but still trying my best to do tutorials and understand stuff during tutorials :) jyjy!
-H1 lit: kinda give up during tutorials. totally going at my own pace for this one, re-reading the book but still trying to pay attention during class :) jyjy.
-H1 GP: somehow got to band A (which is the best band) for lectures which kinda suck. i like normal GP lectures where i sit and listen to the lecturer throwing information at us while we jot down notes for one and a half hours. but now, we are given discussion time for like an hour and the next half and hour the lecturer will throw info at us. i'm an A band just because i use my knowledge on the things i know such as tech and other stuffs like that. but now they are forcing stuff on us that i really got no interest in. like the euro zone and US debt crisis, and the middle east springs... WHAAAAAAT?? i have no interest in economics or conflict. i like environment topics and tech and stuff like that. aiyoh, what the shit. i got no knowledge on stuff like that and what's worse we're supposed to work in groups with like smart, well-read people. like seriously, when the teacher said "start" they were like "ok, eurozone, ah..., countries affected are greece, france, blah blah blah..." and i was like "....................." hais, i seriously feel so dumb in that group. and the fact that i'm socially awkward totally doesn't help!! lucky my i have a friend in the class as well, who's as clueless as me, but at least she's not socially awkward :)

sooooooooooo JC2 isn't that bad... FOR NOW! i know it's going to get really hectic now but yeah, i'll just charge through. all the best to me!!!

-SARA ^^

hey guys.

i feel really stressed/sad/angry/worried/uncertain/every-negative-feeling-that-exist-in-the-world today.

you know how certain i was about my decision to retain.
well, now, i'm not so certain anymore.

well, i was so certain that i wanna retain cause i really can't catch up with my studies.
on second thoughts, maybe i could catch up with physics and maths.
i COULD catch up with chem if i work my ass off.
but... as for lit, i really don't think i can.
i walk into class, i just wanna walk out.
i open the book, i just wanna close it.
the teacher talk to me, i just wanna sleep.
perhaps, and JUST perhaps, i can find the motivation to continue on studying physics, chem and math but lit is just totally 0 motivation.
i can see a small little ray of light now that i may make it through this year.
based on my studies at least.

but as for extra stuffs i'm really hopeless.
i have no friends.
i hate my CCA.
phy and lit teachers are so demoralizing.
how to diffuse my stress?
i may just break down next year and be sent to mental hospital -.-
I'M SO NOT HAPPY!

but there's no guarantee that i'm going to be happy if i repeat also.
people may look down on me.
i may revert back to my socially-awkward self and not make any friends.
as for studies, i guess it's 100% certain that i'm going to be okay, provided i work hard consistently.

either decision i make, i must take a leap of faith.
i must believe in myself.
i must know what is right for me and what's not.
let's have my options open for now.
i think i've closed off my options for a week now and all the possibilities are jumping out at me again so i feel overwhelmed.
i just have to sort out my thinking again and think it through.

i can do this.

-SARA ^^

hey guys.

once again, i'm in a dilemma.

about what you may ask?

about my freaking JC life of course!!!!!!!

ahhh, damn stressed and pissed off my this JC thing la seriously.

the education here is screwed up!

the amount of knowledge they feed into our brain is inversely proportional to the time they give us to process these info la seriously.

then, to make matters worse, we only use like what 10% of what we are learning.

like seriously, what will wave motion or chemical equilibria help me out in life huh?

i don't even want to work in these kind of fields la!

haissss. we just take this to get a freaking slip of paper -.-

anyway, here's how i fair during promos:

it's not exactly bad (except lit la of course) but... it's not GOOD!!!!

had a talk to my mum just JUST now.
she said i shouldn't retain -.-
how??????????????????
what if, i could make it.
i wouldn't the the happiest kid in the world during this year but i can get out of this hell hole soon.

but i must remember, ALL subjects counts in JC.
like in sec sch, they only take the best 6 subjects to put into points but for JC EVERYTHING matters.
so if i can make my math and phy better, lit is still gonna pull me down.

i really think i cmi for lit.
everytime i come into that freaking class i just shut down.
i'm more like a common sense sorta person, hence my GP is quite good while my lit is shit.
i can't take lit. all this imagination stuff is hard to process and i can't understand it.
my can't poets be straight forward and say what they wanna say instead of beating about the bush and using flowery language?! URGH!
then comes chem, wtf. i dont get chem at all.
chem is something that makes sense but its not so common.
like bonds, and shit like that.
physics is a bit easier to digest cause it's kinda duh.
like friction opposes motion = duh! hence i'm not too bad at that either.
math is half-half. hence, im about i the middle for math.

so how?!
GP: can make it
LIT: cmi
MATH: about there
PHY: abot there
CHEM: cmi

HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW??????
i have to put many many many effort in chem and lit
while learning new concepts
while improving my standards in phy and math
while maintaining my stand in GP
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

honestly, i really don't think i can do it.
i'm scared that i'll focus too much on chem and lit then my other subjects will deprove.

what's more on top of that i have to face everyday stress from CCA and class.
i seriously hate my cca and i'm unhappy in class.
yea, there's some happy moments but it's seriously hard maintaining those moments.
i don't have an outlet for my stress.
i'm so certain that i'll just lose it one day.
i've been losing my temper over little things at people last year for quite some times and now i don't want to do it again this year.
i want to live happy and with minimal stress.
JC is the last step before going out into another new world and i just want my last stage here to be a happy and meaningful one.
JC1 wasn't exactly bad, but it wasn't exactly good either.
hiassssssssssssssssssssssss.
i really just wanna restart on a new clan slate but am i compromising a year?
idk. i'm gonna think about it in the shower. bye.

-SARA :(

hey guys.

today was a bad day.

first had physics lecture. i couldn't catch any balls and doodled my way through the lecture.

it wasn't even a lecture la actually, just some going through tutorial thingy.

so damn boring la!

then it was supposed to be physics tutorial but the teacher didn't come so i slept. zzz.

then it was open house.

omg!! so boring.

had 2 guitar performances today and it was so bad.

i can't even hear myself how you expect anybody to hear.

haiyah, hate my cca to the max la.

now i am more certain to retain again.

ok la, shall watch some running man to cheer myself up.

byebye.

-SARA ^^