hey guys.

i screwed up big time.

my life in JC is in a total wreck.
i forgot all my math stuff.
i don't know a shit about chemistry.
i'm the last in the cohort for literature.
my only saving grace is physics and GP.
but passing one H1 and one H2 subject will get me nowhere.

right now, I will be facing JC2 block tests soon.
and i am very sure that i'll fail my chem and math.
what will happen then?

if the school wants me to retain JC1, i'll have no choice and just do it.
admittedly, i do want to retain.
i think i'll do better then now that i know what JC expects of me.
i'll join a better cca, make more friends, do more CIP, read more newspapers and TIMES magazine, manage my time well, and do better for tests/exams.
retaining isn't so bad now that i look at it.
i've been failing tests/exams repeatedly, not completed an hour of CIP, stressed out by my CCA, haven't touched newspapers/TIMES, etc.
i'm filled with regrets and i have wasted 1 year in JC.
but so what?
i would rather spend 2013 full of vigor and new motivation in JC1 again...
... rather than plunging into JC2 with an injured foot and struggling to get through it.
that's my preferred scenario.

BUT, here comes the worst case scenario.
WHAT IF, the school don't allow me to retain even if i fail my block test??
what do i do then??
plunge into JC2 with an injured foot and struggle through the year??
I DON'T WANT THAT!!!!!

Personally, i really don't want that.
But thinking of others, i also don't want that.
I already disappointed my mum once for retaining, and i don't want to disappointed her further by failing test after test in JC2.
many of my friends say i shouldn't retain cause i can do t.
if you say that to me in secondary school, i would have believed them.
but no, this is JC, nothing like sec school
i know myself best.
i can't learn new concepts while revising old ones.
besides, concepts are linked.
so if my foundation is weak (which is the situation now) I'LL DIE IN JC2!!

my mum wants me to try my best in the block tests, which i will.
i will really really truly try my best for it.
if the school asks me to retain, she'll go for it.
but if the school doesn't, she would want me to go to JC2.
she says that i have to be strong, the first few months is going to be tough.
i know, but that's not i want. i really don't think i can do it.
that's the only thing i'm scared about.
the school wanting me to just go on to JC2.

i lost my drive.
i lost my motivation.
all i want now is to start anew on a fresh new white sheet of paper.

well, let's not dwell on it further.
let's just see how the block tests go.
if i pass every single subject, i'll move on to JC2.
i guess it shows that i really can do it.
if i fail any one subject, i really want to retain, even if the school gives me the option to go ahead to JC2,
i have to be brave and stand firm to what i want.
yes sara you can do it.

bye, and i wish you all the best of luck in your life decisions! :)

- SARA ^^